The Romney vs. Rosen Motherhood is Hard kerfuffle has brought to mind something that has niggled at me for a long time. What is that? Well, and this might ruffle feathers, it is the tendency we have as a culture toward deification of motherhood.
Lately there has been a rash of twee little images on my social media sites inviting me to repost if my children make me whole. Or complete me. Or are my sun moon and stars. Or…it gets really over the top, trust me. I don’t repost them because I do not, nor have I ever, defined myself by my children. Nor by what they accomplish. Proud of them? Yes. Think I deserve a ticker tape parade for raising them? No.
I love my children. I love children in general. Which is why I have a tendency to take in other people’s and raise them, too. But when I think of who I am, the first word that floats up as a descriptor is not “Mother”. The words I think of first are writer, geek, reader, gardener…mother is somewhere down the list but not at the top. Not even close.
Who I am has defined what kind of mother I am but being a mother has less to do with who I am than any number of other factors. I would not have been the same person without the influence of my children, true. But their influence and the experience of raising them is not the beginning middle and end of my being. It is rather a data point in a host of other data points that make up the whole of me. And, frankly, I would have been complete without them. A different person, but complete.
So when DNC’s Hilary Rosen made the comment that Ann Romney had “Never worked a day in her life.”? And all the hemming and hawing and calls for apologies made me roll my eyes. Mothers across America were highly offended by this. It was slur against them personally. Because Motherhood is hard work.
I wasn’t offended. I was more squinty about the instant reaction that Ms. Rosen should be ashamed of herself. And the distancing everyone and their brother did. I wasn’t offended because Hilary Rosen wasn’t talking about me. I did a stint as a stay at home mom. This was because I am more fertile than a rabbit on viagra and I had many children in a short span of years. It made economic sense at the time.
Those years were…not my cuppa. Perhaps if I found completion in motherhood I wouldn’t have hit the door running when dad came home and went to the neighbor’s to get some adult stimulation uninterrupted by people asking me where they put their shoes and generally trying to use my uterus as a tracking device.
You know what it wasn’t? It wasn’t hard. Motherhood is not that hard. It can be boring. It can be frustrating. It can be drudgery. But it isn’t hard. I have the chops to make that assertion, too. I have enough kids to field most of a baseball team. The actual day to day stuff of mothering is dead simple. You make sure they are fed, clothed and clean. You dry their tears, break up midget wrestling matches over whose turn it is to play with that toy, you listen to them and you attempt to teach them to move in civilized society without alienating themselves from their peers.
Yes, there is more to it than that, but those are the basics. It is not hard unless you have a child with special needs or you are completely screwing the pooch somehow on the basics. It is certainly not a struggle. Not to be a stay at home mother with the financial resources to support that choice.
You know when it got hard for me? When I found myself supporting my whole family. Including a couple of grandchildren. Because everyone else got laid off. And because I am a contractor my income was not a pay check every week kind of deal. It is feast or famine. That was hard. That was a struggle. That I feel justified in whining about.
So Rosen’s remarks didn’t touch me. They weren’t about me. They were about a woman like me, admittedly fertile, who chose to stay home and raise her children. BUT and this is a huge BUT this particular woman has an unlimited budget for anything she desires. She can hire outside help. She has a flippin’ elevator for her car. She couldn’t be any more disconnected experience wise from my or the rest of the world’s average women if she lived on the moon.
Simply put? Ann Romney’s world is not our world. Her little stay at home mommy fiefdom is not the same as my friend Linda’s, even. Linda’s husband is a doctor in rural Alaska. They have 8 children. They do not hurt for money but…Linda does everything herself. Sometimes her husband is gone for days and she is the sole parent. She cooks, she cleans, she deals with school work and things like her well filling up with silt and trying to figure out how to get clean when your faucets are running mud.
I sincerely doubt that Ann Romney has ever even used a toilet plunger. Let alone hauled water from a creek so she could bathe properly.
Rosen was right. Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life. And even those chores of motherhood that she did engage in were not done whilst trying to figure out how you were going to make the car payment AND keep the internet on so you could make money to pay next months bills.
Motherhood is a job that you take on willingly when you give birth. You are a mother whether you work or not. When you work you still have to do all the things the person who doesn’t struggle financially has to do. Stay at home motherhood is a luxury for those people in Ann Romney’s position. Not a career choice. She sacrificed nothing (except maybe her sanity) to do so.
I find the idea completely laughable that the majority of stay at home mothers out there who are clipping coupons to make ends meet have anything in common with Ann Romney. Like I said, they have an elevator for their car. Hello? She never had to struggle. Not as a mother. Not financially.
Yes, she has MS. And battled breast cancer. Those are struggles. But they are not the same struggle as the under employed mother of 3 whose husband gets laid off faces. And even in that she is more blessed than most of us. She has enough money to get the best medical care in the world.
So everyone should get off Rosen’s back. She was spot on. Ann Romney lacks both the experience and the perspective experience brings to be able advise anyone what the average woman cares about. That Mitt Romney uses her name like she is his trained monkey who whispers on the mysteries of women in his shell like ear is squick worthy. If you want advice that actually means something you have to get it from someone who has a bloody clue what you are asking about. You don’t ask your surgeon how to repair your leaky radiator, after all.
Rosen’s point was that Ann Romney doesn’t know jack. The fact that she owns a vagina and a uterus does not make her an expert on how women in all socio economic classes feel and live. And that Mitt should get someone else’s advice. For a start. It is a valid opinion and nothing to apologize for.
You are totally correct. Ann Romney cannot connect with us anymore than her husband can. She has never worked at a job. Yes, she did partially care for her five children with help from a staff. However, I and all the other working mothers also had to do everything she had to do while she never held a job and work a full-time job (40+ hours a week) as well. Women who choose to stay home to raise their children are not better mothers nor do they work as hard as mothers who have to leave their homes to provide financial support for their families as well as ALL things that a stay at home mother does. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc do not wait for anyone.
Do you personally know Ann Romney?? It is arrogant to think that you know anything about Ann Romney if you have never spent time with her. I don’t know her and therefore can’t say that she “doesn’t know jack”. I would never presume to say that I know exactly how someone thinks or acts just because of their bank account. Also, to say that a husband that talks to his wife and respects her opinion is like “a trained monkey” is a sad statement. President Obama frequently mentions his wife and children when he speaks. There is no need for personal attacks in a political campaign. What ever happened to facts and what policies someone would implement when they were elected? Why is it necessary to attack someone’s wife because she hasn’t (according to you) suffered enough to understand you. As a former counselor, I assisted many people through difficult times despite the fact that I had never lived through their pain. The only thing I can agree with regarding this article is that wisdom doesn’t come from having a vagina alone. Do you know Ann Romney well enough to know if she has something to contribute???
I am not attacking her. I am saying that she does not live in the same reality most of us do. That is true. It isn’t that she is wealthy; it is that she is clueless. Not every person with more money than God is afflicted thusly. But she is. Most definitely. I don’t have to know her. All I have to do is read the stuff she says. We are talking about a woman here who thinks she was living life on the edge when they were living off of Mitt’s stock inheritance. A woman with millions of dollars at her disposal that doesn’t consider herself rich. It isn’t that she doesn’t understand me, she has no frame of reference for most of the country. I didn’t make that stuff up. She actually said it.
Oh, and incidentally? I don’t particularly care for it when Obama does it either. Or any politician for that matter. We elected them, not their spouse.
Clearly, you know nothing about struggling with MS and what that does to your ability to do even basic tasks.
Actually, I do. The MS is tragic and I would not wish it on anyone, even her. But it has nothing to do with her raising of her children. Nor her alleged struggles as a housewife in those years. Primarily because she did not start exhibiting symptoms until her youngest child was 17.
I love you, Arlene! I’m so glad you’re on the warpath again.
So am I! Clueless people. The above comments are obviously people that feel sorry for themselves on a daily basis and will not look beyond “woe is me”. Typical ‘stay-at-home’ Mom attitude from a spectrum of, ‘I chose to sacrifice myself and stay at home to raise my children. I’m a heroine’…… What I have found through the years of knowing many stay-at-home Mom’s, not all mind you; is most of them are just too lazy to work outside the home and the idea of having to get up at 4 in the morning to start their day, is more than they can phantom….*dodging rotten tomatoes* Love your opinion Arlene. Clarify, not too lazy to work at home cleaning, etc. etc., but too lazy to work outside the home. There’s more to what I’m trying to say, but at the moment, need more coffee. =)
Cindy,
You are confused – maybe not enough coffee? The above responses are not related to the typical “stay at home” mom attitude, or about anyone’s “laziness”, but about a personal attack on a person that “Geekhart” doesn’t even know. You obviously have issues regarding working and the choice, or not having the choice, to stay home to care for children. Why does it even matter if Anne Romney worked? She isn’t running for president. First wives usually just pick a social topic to support and do their best to not cause any problems. They don’t have an official role in the White House. By the way, how do you know if Anne Romney is “lazy”? I don’t know her, but am completely uncomfortable with all the anger directed at someone for no good reason.
Cindy and Geekheart,
On the way to one of my volunteer jobs, it came to me that obviously many people don’t know that a lot of “stay at home” moms don’t really stay at home. They are the backbone of the community in which they live – volunteering countless hours of their time when they could “earn” money. I have an advanced college degree, but gave up my professional position after years of infertility to take care of our precious daughter. Obviously not being in your “lazy” category, I started volunteering when she was 6 months old. Over the last 17 years, I have volunteered at public schools, for the Alzheimer’s Association, the city where I live, animal shelters, and have created a free day program to care for persons with Alzheimer’s (since Medicare doesn’t pay for a home health aides for dementia).
My husband, who also has an advanced degree, has earned himself a position where he can support our family without me earning a paycheck. I think that it is good to support my community by providing free services if we can afford for me to do so. Through my volunteer work, I have met hundreds of “stay at home” moms that have taught underprivileged children to read and do math because the teachers are overworked. Where would these children be now without the free work these women did? “Stay at home” moms also keep school sports going with their volunteering at the stadiums and snack bars (raises money to fund athletics). Hospital volunteer corps are full of “stay at home” moms – I did that as well.
Since everyone was making such a fuss that Ann Romney was “lazy”, I thought I would google what she has done regarding volunteering. This is what I found –
- directed the inner-city youth program Best Friends (unpaid)
- worked extensively at Boston’s Ten-Point coalition (unpaid)
- and at the Perkins school for the blind (unpaid)
- served as a board member for The United Way (unpaid) – and Co-founded United Way Faith and action. (unpaid)
-serving on the Board of New England Chapter of the MS Society(unpaid)
- co-founding and directing Right To Play, (unpaid)
- volunteering with disabled kids, (unpaid)
- running an annual scholastic reading challenge (unpaid)
- volunteering at Partners for Youth with Disabilities, the American Red Cross (unpaid)
- serving on the board at the MA Children’s Trust Fund (unpaid)
- being an unpaid teacher at Mother Caroline Academy, a multiculturalmiddle school serving young girls from inner city Boston (unpaid)
- serving on the board at Women’s Cancer Advisory Board of MA General Hospital.(unpaid)
You may not consider that “work”, but I do. My family knows how hard I work at all of my volunteer jobs. It is important to me to do the right thing and help if I can. I don’t have time to investigate Ann Romney’s volunteer work further since this whole topic really isn’t relative to the upcoming election, but she may have done other things as well.
Also, I have to say that I am confused as to how any of this has anything to do with a presidential election….shouldn’t we be discussing the issues and policies?? I met a stay at home dad last week at a hospital fund raiser. Wonder what he thinks about all this discussion? For the record, I do clean my own house – not that it matters.
Okay, I begin to see where the disconnect is happening. In your case, at any rate, Amie.
I honestly don’t care about or even judge anyone who stays at home with their kids. Male, female, makes no nevermind to me and I have friends of both flavors. Heck, my longest standing friend, the one I ran around with as a child, stays at home with 8 kids. I do think it is financially risky to depend on someone else’s income because death and divorce happen and traditionally when they do so to a SAHM they find themselves up a creek unless some really savvy planning has been done.
The issue is that for Romney, and apparently for you, there was the luxury of choice. Most women, or men for that matter, don’t have that choice. And even those that do…financially it can be a hardship. They do have to, well, work at it to make it feasible.
The criticism isn’t of Ann Romney, it is of Mitt. He has deployed her in his campaign as a way to try to convince us that he understands what the average woman is concerned about. Because Ann tells him what that is. Unfortunately, Ann isn’t the average woman. She came from money, she married into bigger money, and no amount of volunteer work with the underprivileged in the world is going to give her the same perspective on life as someone who has no choice other than work or starve.
She can’t really understand what my life is like any more than I can understand the life, fears and hopes of a Chinese peasant. Some things you have to live to understand.
So when she talks to her husband she is representing a view and experience like yours. She does not represent me. She can’t. There is no judgement in that, it just is.
For me, and apparently Rosen, all the “My wife Ann says…” stuff gets irritating. Mostly because Mitt needs to quit acting like she is the oracle for all women and find someone to talk to who is capable of representing the rest of us. Those without the choice and more money than God.
Actually, you forgot that people are capable of a thing called “empathy”. Hopefully Ann Romney has such capacity and would use it if she was the first lady. I did not grow up rich. My father ran off and my mother worked 2 jobs to pay for us and my brother that had Cystic Fibrosis (before he died). I’m not sure that gives me any awards regarding human character. Adversity is not a badge of honor nor does it make one more or less empathetic than anyone else. I paid for my own college and know what it is like to be hungry.
I don’t have the same experience as Ann Romney. We are doing okay, but would never in my life time make the money that Mr. Romney has earned. Obviously I lack the skills that he had to earn and invest the money. I don’t begrudge or hate Mr. Romney for having some luck, a lot of intelligence, and the ability to earn all that money. Why should I hate or dislike him for that?
My husband and I did not always have the “choice” of me working either. He has worked very hard for many years to get to this point. I may have some money now because of my husband’s hard work, but he does work hard for it. We are not the 1% and did not inherit anything (wish I had!!). If I have to go back to work because of his passing or running off with the secretary, I can handle that as well. I have skills
I understand your point that Mr. Romney is saying that his wife is the “know all for all women” and he should probably stop that. He does not appear to be overly comfortable with TV and the limelight and tends to put his foot in his mouth because of that.
I still contend that it isn’t necessary for the first lady to really understand me to be first lady, but I think most human beings can garner some empathy to understand my plight. I don’t know if Jacqueline Kennedy, Rosalyn Carter, Nancy Reagan, Hillary Clinton, Barbara Bush, Laura Bush, or even Michelle Obama understand how it feels to suffer like a lot of American women suffer – but they have all been wonderful first ladies.
I am sure Mr. Romney has heard the cries of people saying that his wife shouldn’t be used as a “real” adviser and he will quit saying it. He was probably just trying to bring his wife into the conversation since women voters are important – just as President Obama does. Politics is politics. Also, maybe Mr. Romney just respects his wife’s opinion and is proud to quote her. You never know.
For the record for Cindy (comment above) – Michelle Obama’s mother was a stay at home mom. She helped to create a wonderful daughter.
I have to move on and do other things. Can’t keep talking forever on the Internet. Never done this before. Hope you all have a good day and good discussions. Let’s keep it civil so we can learn to understand each other – the only way to truly solve the problems we face.